It’s that time again…my birthday. This time last year I was filled with hope as I set out on a year of weight loss. I had a lot of spunk and was excited for change! And change came. Quickly at first. Not as quickly later. There were times of failure and times of great victory.

I haven’t written in over three months. Honestly, it seems longer than that. I would think about writing and then decide not to. “What should I write about? There is nothing new to say. I have not been losing weight. I’ve been gaining weight. I am not exercising. I am ashamed. Why am I struggling so much? Why can I not just jump back on the wagon? Is it not easy? Calories in, calories out. If you want something badly enough, you just go get it. Right?”

When I got to the six month mark, I kind of panicked. I was not halfway there. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! I thought, “If I get to the 50 pounds lost mark by the end of March, at least then I will have five months to lose fifty pounds!” Eric and I agreed on a monetary diet bet amount and I set out to be 215 by March 31^st. It did not happen. So, he offered to give me back the money I had paid into the bet if I made the goal by April 3^rd.

I was determined. When I woke up the morning of April 3^rd, I was still two pounds too heavy. I freaked out. I was mad. Why was my body not cooperating? So, I made it cooperate. I put on a sweat belt and a fleece jacket and ran on the elliptical with no water for forty-five minutes. Lost 1.3 pounds of water weight. From there, I tried to sweat more, refused to eat or drink, and I spit in a trash can repeatedly. Sound crazy? Yeah, it was. I did not want to lose.

A few hours later, I finally saw that “magical” number – 215 – halfway there.

Did my heart fill with glee? Not really. It was anticlimactic. I felt tired. After all, it wasn’t real. I was chasing a number and not a lasting transformation of mind and body. After my “victory,” I went to get sushi and coffee. No, I do not usually enjoy such a combination. ~smile~ I took my interesting meal to a friend’s house and sat at her kitchen table feeling ridiculously spent.

From that moment forward, I have had an extremely hard time getting back on track. I keep thinking of that feeling. I keep thinking of that depravation. Even though I wanted to do everything healthily on this journey and not be on a diet, I still managed to fall into the must trap.

“I must be a certain weight by a certain time. I must reach this goal, good or unrealistic. I must be thin and soon. I must not fail. I must lose a large amount of weight in a short period of time because people on TV do it. I must. I must. I must.”

After my short period of ridiculous dieting (i.e., spitting into a trashcan to make a goal), I could not seem to get moving again. I allowed myself to believe the old “I’ll start eating well again soon” lie. A week would go by and I would find another excuse.

I wish I was writing this today from a place of victory. This time last year I thought I would be thin ­– a new person from the inside out – by today. This year, well, I still think I can move forward and get to a healthier place, but I know it is going to take a lot more than removing pounds from my body to transform my heart. Pouring accomplishments into my life will not automatically change how I feel about myself. I can spend the rest of my life chasing the next goal and still go to my grave feeling empty and defeated. The weight loss is necessary and good, but I cannot expect all my negative baggage to fall off along with the poundage. That is unrealistic.

I did learn a lot this year – in general and about myself. I know who to go to for help and who to avoid. I know what trips me up and what motivates me. I realize there is room for failure, (and some failure is even good), on a long journey.

I’m somewhat sad to see thirty-two go. It FLEW by! Yet, I am also happy not to have this thought continuously flooding my mind: “August 30^th is coming and you are nowhere near your goal!” Here’s to not beating myself up over an arbitrary date. I am looking forward to putting one foot in front of the other, dealing with some emotional weight, and watching all of me transform a little at a time.

Most importantly, I look forward to leaning on God as I move forward. So much of what I did last year I tried to do in my own strength. When I was a little kid and my parents tried to help me do something, I would say, “I wanna do it my-se-lf!” Here I am thirty years later still saying, “God, I wanna do it my-se-lf,” and we can clearly see where that has gotten me. ~smile~

So, this year I am ready to take more steps forward. Small goals. No musts. I want to pray through some walls I have built around my heart. Let go of some bitterness. Forgive. Open my heart up to the Lord and ask Him to remove the spiritual and emotional weight.

Even if I removed all my excess physical weight, I would still feel heavy and sick if I held onto my emotional weight. Physical fitness cannot remove a heavy heart. Only God can.

With that said, I am back and hope to write more often. I will try to be honest. I will attempt to be real even in the harder times. This journey is not flat and straight. It is uphill and downhill with rocks, thorns, vicious wild animals, and inconvenient elements. I am helping no one if I only write on the sunny, breezy days.

Thanks so much to all of you who were a source of support and motivation to me last year. I appreciate each and every one of you. I am not done. Keep your happy words coming if you can! ~smile~

Thank you, Lord, for another year. I pray I am lighter in many ways by this time next year.

It has been ages since I have written. Bad blogger! I just wanted to drop in and say, “Yes, I am still here. No, I will not be losing 100 pounds by August 30^th. And, yes, I am okay with it.” ~smile~

I came to a point where I had to ask myself the question, “Which is more important? Scrambling towards a goal no one placed on you but yourself, or making this journey you are on a way of life?” I am confident I could have made my 100 pound goal had I abandoned all naughty foods, exercised four hours a day, and hired an expensive trainer. No doubt in my mind at all.

But, that is not my reality. Some people may live in that place – a world with no treats, hours of tedious exercise, and a close, personal relationship with the gym. For them, that is fine. I admire the discipline so much. For me, I am thankful to still be heading in the right direction. I feel excited knowing I will reach a comfortable place with my weight. It may be 165 pounds. I may be 155 pounds. I am not sure. There is no magic number. There is only the time when I feel healthy and can look in the mirror and be satisfied. I will never look perfect, and I do not think I even want to. I just want to be the healthiest version of myself I can be while still living my life.

I am going to have a donut once in a while, and I am not going to feel badly about it. If Eric suggests we go to RA Bistro for a funnel cake burger, I am there. Most of the time I am going to eat reasonably, and sometimes I am going to splurge. ~smile~

Over the past month, I put a little weight back on, and it is slowly but surely coming off again. Eric and I are doing another diet bet for May 14 – June 10. The goal is for me to be at 209 by then – just in time for our 10^th anniversary when I plan to eat whatever I want.

Nothing remarkable is going to happen when I reach my happy weight. No one is going to pop out from behind my door and hand me a check for a million dollars or put my face in a magazine. At that time, I will just keep on keeping on – thankful for the chance to feel better and to not be so consumed with my size.

So, please keep reading, and I will try to do better about writing! The journey will not be over on August 30^th, and I am honestly happy about that. This is a realistic road I am on, and I am excited to see what is coming!

209, here I come!!!

It has been a while. The last time I wrote it was to celebrate having lost fifty pounds. In the weeks leading up to my victory, I significantly reduced my carbs, ate only fruit sugars, and existed on mostly fruits and vegetables. It was amazing to see the scale show 215, but I was tired.

The day I made my goal, I went to a friend’s house and can remember how exhausted I felt. Yes, I had taken off some significant weight, but did I really want to feel like this at the end? After holding your breath under water, do you not dream of taking long, deep breaths?

Well, that is what I did. First, I celebrated by eating Ritz crackers and sushi. Not terrible, but certainly not strict. I was tired of vegetables, so I slowed down on eating them. In the middle of the month, I visited my parents. The food was not bad for me, but I did not stay on top of how much I was eating or how much water I was drinking, and I did enjoy a few splurges when I ate out. Then, I returned home and bought…SKITTLES!

Skittles, people – skittles! Even before I paid for them I heard a voice say, “This is going to throw you off. Is it worth it?” Apparently, at the time, I thought it was. I purchased the bag and headed over to a friend’s house where I did share my sugary goodness. After we partook, I poured half of the remaining bag in a ziplock bag for her to keep, ignoring my instinct that said, “Leave the rest of it here!” Before the next morning – MORNING – was past, the skittles were gone.

Then, came the shame. “You ate all those skittles after all that hard work. Why would you do that? It is going to be so much harder to get back on the wagon now. Ugh! Skittles!” My mind was beating me down, and instead of telling it to shut up, I just kept right on declining. Bread here, sweets there, sweet beverages, pizza – why not just enjoy it for a while?

So, I did not write. I was ashamed to write. There was nothing to say. I was still exercising, but not as much. I was not eating as horrendously as I used to, but I still felt like a failure. Food and eating should not lead me or anyone else to doubt their self-worth. This experience has shined a bright light on some deeper issues within me. Losing weight is great and I am glad for what I have lost and what I will lose later, but even if I woke up tomorrow at my dream weight of 140lbs, I would still struggle with self-doubt because there is something inside I have not dealt with yet.

This post, The After Myth, opened my eyes a bit and said, at least in part, what I have been saying to myself all along. Since middle school, I feel like I have been Heather, the girl who needs to lose weight. Even before I was overweight, I believed I needed to be smaller. This weight (no pun intended) has been hanging off of my back for twenty plus years – this idea that I will somehow be good enough, worth something, and a useful member of society if I can just get to that magic thin place.

Please read this short post, (please note there is one obscenity near the end), if you have a minute. It cuts to the heart of the matter and has been lingering in my mind for weeks.

I started this weight-loss journey thinking I would be mostly where I wanted to be after one year, but I am seriously rethinking that goal at this point. I think this journey is going to outlast this year. In fact, I am not sure it will ever completely end this side of Heaven because it is about so much more than a magic number. I want to come to a place where I am content – content with my size, content with my appearance, content with where I am in life, and at ease. My worth has not changed an ounce in the last eight months. I have to remember that and say it again and again until I completely believe it.

My one year goal inspired me and gave me something excellent to shoot for, and I am sure I would not have lost as much without it; but, I am beginning to shift mental gears now. This process is far from over. If I am not 165 on August 30^th, I will eventually, Lord willing, be 165lbs. or lower.

There is so much more to uncover. So much more to discover. Ultimately, it is not about the number. It is about being who God made me to be without inhibition. Tomorrow, I plan to get back on the scale and face the music. From there, I will start back down the path and keep working.

Prayers and encouragement are always appreciated! And, if you see me reach for the skittles, you have my permission to stage a full blown intervention. ~smile~

I’ve lost 50lbs. Seven months ago I carried around 50 more lbs. than I do today. I’ve never lost anywhere near this much weight, so I’m trying to soak it in. As incredible as it is, I’m not sure that it’s hit me yet.

Halfway there! When this journey started, being under 200lbs. seemed light years away, but now it’s just down the street! Another few months of hard work and I’ll be there! The last two weeks I’ve been strict with my eating, but tonight I’m having Thai food. Oh, yes I am!

Eric and I set up a diet bet for March. The bet required me to pay in $25, and if I made the goal, I’d get $50 back. If not, Eric kept the $25 I paid in. It was my idea, so I can’t get mad at him. ~smile~ Well, I still had a few lbs. to go on the 31^st, so he had mercy on me and said that if I could make it by today, he would give me back the $25 I paid to him. Thankfully, I made it – and by the skin of my teeth! I may just use it towards another bet as they seem to really light a fire under me! I guess I just don’t like to lose. ~smile~

That’s all for now, folks! I’m a little nervous about April with Easter foods (and candies) all around, and my upcoming trip to NC. Something about traveling still makes me think of naughty foods. However, if I know I will lose money if I don’t make my April 30^th goal, I may just be able to turn down that trip to Bojangles!

Happy Good Friday and Resurrection Sunday to all!!!

April 3rd, 2015 – Current weight: 215 pounds…only 50 pounds to go!

In my last post, I had good things to say about this seven day “cleanse” I’ve been doing. Well, allow me to update you. It started well and then horrors followed!

During the first two days, I felt some pressure in my head, but not much pain. On the third day, I had a horrible headache hit me that eventually led to flu-like symptoms. I’ll spare you the details. Physical activity seemed to bring on the headaches, which was extremely frustrating. Any plan that is supposed to promote weight loss should not require a reduction in exercise, right?

So, I started making modifications. On the morning of the fifth day, I ate some eggs. It helped tremendously. I also drank some coffee with coconut milk which also helped with the headaches. Needless to say, I figured I would not be losing much weight since I was modifying the process. Not to mention the fact that I weighed in on the morning of the fifth day and had GAINED WEIGHT!

Discouraged as I was to have endured so much pain in exchange for a weight gain, I just didn’t want to abandon the plan completely. Once I start something, I struggle with the idea of quitting in the middle of the process; however, it did not seem wise to continue without some protein and caffeine. If I feel the need, I’ll attack the caffeine issues later (but I’m in no rush).

Benjamin Franklin was almost right. I believe coffee is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~wink~

Anyway, yesterday I weighed in again, but was not expecting much. The result floored me! 221.2!!! My weight gain must have been water weight as I know I did not lose 3.3 pounds of fat overnight. This morning? 219.4. I just stood there and stared at the scale. Coffee and eggs have not completely thrown me off after all.

So, it would take a lot, but there is a chance I may possibly reach my 215lbs. by the 31^st goal after all. Today is the seventh day of my seven day diet, but I think I’m going to eat in a similar fashion until Tuesday. We’ll see!

I cannot believe I’m in the teens. I have not been under 220 since undergrad. I spent most of my junior and senior years between 210 and 220. I’m so encouraged and amazed. When I started this journey, being under 220 seemed like a distance dream. But, here I am. Wow.

Thanks to everyone for your support. It has made all the difference!!!

March 25th – Current weight: 219.4 pounds…only 54.4 pounds to go!

So far, this seven day cleanse has not been too terrible. I have been hungry, but that’s largely my own fault. At times, I simply could not force another fruit or veggie into my mouth. Overall, though, it’s been okay. I’m even going to attempt exercise today (Day 3) and hope I don’t get too weak!

I’m writing this quick post to celebrate one of my most exciting personal milestones. Today, I am the lightest I’ve been in the (almost) ten years we’ve been married!!!

I was in the 230s when I got married, I quickly shot up to the 250s (where I spent most of my married life), and at one point I lost down to 224. Over the last few years, I put all that weight back on and then some! Today, I weighed in at 223.1, and I am truly excited about it! In fact, I may be more excited about this milestone than any of the others I’ve reached so far.

My next big wins will be hitting the 50lbs. lost mark, and then, weighing less than Eric! I’ve never weighed less than my husband (at least since we’ve been married), and I am so ready for that day!

March 21st – Current weight: 223.1 pounds…only 58.1 pounds to go!

It’s been a while since I checked in! Since my last rather sad post, I’ve started to once again move in the right direction. I’ve finally reached the 40 lbs. lost mark! It happened on March 9^th, but it’s taken me a while to sit down and write about it! I keep saying I’ll write more! I really want to! Really, I do!

Once I reached the 40 lbs. lost mark, I halted. Seriously seems to be the story of this journey – either a few steps forward and a few steps back, or a few steps forward and a complete stop. Weight loss is like that, but it is still frustrating! ~smile~

If I told an old acquaintance that I lost 40 lbs. in around six months, she would probably say, “Great job! Keep up the good work. I wish I could get some weight off myself!” When you’re not thinking about it much, the idea of dropping 40 lbs. in half a year seems great, but when food, exercise, and weight-loss is on your mind night and day for months on end, 40 lbs. doesn’t seem like enough. ~frown~

Perfectionist thinking rarely leads to greatness.

In those discouraging times, I need to focus on the positive. I look at my paperclip chain and my marble jar, just to remind myself of how far I’ve come. And, when I get really discouraged, I can count on a good friend to remind me of my success and encourage me to continue. You know who you are…THANK YOU!

My diet bet could be going better. I took off a few pounds, but I still have several to go. So, I’ve decided to do a seven day cleanse of sorts to see if it will help me reach my goal and reset my system. Even good eating plans can be shaken up occasionally! I’ll let you all know how it goes. I’m in the middle of day one, and so far so good. ~wink~

March 19th – Current weight: 225 pounds…only 60 pounds to go!

265 lbs.

245 lbs.

225lbs.

Well, here we are. The halfway point. I haven’t written in a few weeks, and there’s a reason for that. I’ve lost nothing. Nothing. I am exactly where I was at the beginning of February. Maybe I’m tired (it’s midnight), or maybe I’m just not in the mood to be upbeat. I have to say, I started this journey with more excitement and emotional energy than I’m feeling now, but I guess I expected that.

Yes, I thought I’d be at least halfway to my goal by the halfway point, but I’m not. I’m hanging out right around 37lbs. lost. Let’s just say I let my guard down for Valentine’s Day and never put it back up. Now I think chocolate is supposed to be a regular part of my day. Sigh…I really like it.

Anyway, here we are. March 1^st. It’s time to put up or shut up. Either I’m doing this or I’m not. I’m at a point where I’m leaning on others more than I was before, and I’m thankful that Eric still believes I can do this even though I’m battling some serious doubts.

I wish this post was more upbeat, and hopefully the next one will be. Anyone who’s ever set out to lose an enormous amount of weight knows these days come – these days of doubt and discouragement.

In an attempt to motivate me and get me back on track, Eric and I have agreed on a diet bet of our own. I need to lose down to 215 (halfway) by March 31^st. It will be a stretch. I won’t be able to have a bad day, but at least I’ll be reaching for something again. It’s time. And, I’d like to win a little money. ~smile~

Here’s to happier, lighter days!

After several discouraging weeks, I have decided to give myself a mental break.

Since this journey began, I have been obsessed with it. From the time I wake up until I fall asleep, losing weight is always on my mind.

Have I had enough water today?

Did I eat too many carbs?

I have to get at least 10,000 steps in today!!!

I’m in no way saying I regret it, because I certainly don’t. I’m happy with the progress I’ve made, though I’d hoped to be further along than I am. I’m concerned that I’m getting to an unsafe mental place, so I’ve decided to give myself a little break.

It’s going to be tough because I’m so accustomed to weighing myself 5-6 times a week, but I’m going to give myself a few days off from stressing about this. After the weekend, I’ll regroup and refocus. I just need to stop worrying and pushing for a short time.

In the meantime, I will continue to exercise and I won’t go overboard with my eating, but I’m going to take a rest. I need it. I’m becoming angry at my lack of progress, and I think I’m just too engrossed.

So, here’s to a little vacation. I’m giving myself the freedom to think about other things. I hope to come back refreshed and ready to tackle this journey again. ~smile~

Before – January 3rd

After – February 2nd

Ok, folks! I cut it awfully close, but as of this morning I am a diet bet winner! It will be a few days before all winners are verified and winnings are dispersed, but I’m just thrilled to have been victorious on my first diet bet adventure!

When I signed up for this month-long journey, I did not realize that weigh-in day was the MONDAY AFTER SUPERBOWL. Somebody has a cruel sense of humor! ~smile~

As a matter of fact, my entire weekend was spent thinking (i.e., worrying) about this weigh-in. When I began, I was 239.4 and was supposed to lose 9.6 lbs. (4% of my body weight) in one month; and, I thought it was going to be a piece of cake! Cake sounds so good right now.

Sadly, it was no piece of cake. It was more like no cake, or goodies, or slipping up. No, I did have a few goodies and slip ups, but for the most part, I was a diet bet angel this month. Yet, I still passed with only a few ounces to spare. It was humbling, but the win was also more precious since it required so much diligence.

In preparation for my Monday weigh-in, I had to make sure my weekend (usually the time I fall off the wagon a bit) was as healthy as any typical weekday, or more so! Friday, I attended my sweet little friend’s second birthday party. We all know what birthday parties mean…CAKE! This party came complete with huge, homemade, swirly icing cupcakes. At least I got to smell them, right? ~wink~

Strangely enough, even though I love cupcakes, I felt fine not having one. I guess that’s what happens to a person when she has her eye on the prize. ~smile~

Friday was a victory! Saturday had to be a victory too! There is something in our brains that tell us to celebrate on Saturdays. Is that not the day we all want to throw our hands in the air and run to the nearest bakery or ice cream shop? I spent most of Saturday with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law who are very supportive of my journey, and with their help, I was able to stay on track all day long. And, just for some extra insurance, I ran five miles on the elliptical after they went home. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Then came Sunday. Superbowl Sunday. The night of the year when all Americans eat tons of naughty foods just because they can. Me? I filled up on cucumbers, celery sticks, and homemade hummus. May God richly bless the woman who brought the amazing hummus to the party!!!

After filling up on tons of veggies, I had to – HAD TO – have a sliver of éclair and German chocolate cake. It was about as much as you would lick off of a scapula before washing it, but it was still sugar. So, I came home and ran in place for a while and then did another five miles on the elliptical.

I fell into bed exhausted, excited, and nervous.

This morning, I anxiously stepped on the scale, and much to my relief I was 229.2 – .6lbs. past my goal. Saying no all weekend paid off, thank goodness!!!

When another diet bet opens that interests me, I think I’ll try it again. It was extremely motivating and I could see a big difference between my initial weigh-in picture and my final weigh-in picture. It’s exciting to see progress!

If you’ve never joined a diet bet, consider it! There are several games starting soon!

Okay, January was a success. I started at around 240 and ended in the 220’s. February needs to be a success too!

Here goes…I want to be 223lbs. by Valentine’s Day because 223 will be the smallest I’ve been since Eric and I got married. A few years ago I lost down to 224, but promptly gained the weight back. This time I want to leave 224 in the dust and keep on trucking.

My big, perhaps outlandish, goal is to be 215 by February 28^th. That will be the official halfway point in my journey, and I want to be halfway to my goal by the halfway point. If I want to accomplish these crazy goals, I’m going to have to continue eating well in addition to ramping up my exercise. January was a great food month. February needs to be an excellent food AND exercise month.

It’s crazy, but maybe I can do it. We’ll see! Time to get to work!!!

February 2^nd, 2015 – Current weight: 229.2 pounds…only 64.2 pounds to go!